Screensavers - Now Get Energized With Inspirational Text

Till now, screensavers have been a tool to enjoy watching scenes. A good screensaver was supposed to have great photographs or animations and good to look at. Not many had thought that screensavers could be used to inspire with text that can re-energize anyone. They are getting made now.

When you watch such screensavers, you will see beautiful images of nature such as mountains, rivers, waterfalls, tress, flowers etc. And a short inspirational text fading in and fading out. Accompanied with great music these screensavers area delight to watch and great tool for getting inspired.

How do they inspire? Think of person who is feeling depressed and hopeless. Most of the times the thought that enter his/her mind are negative and such a person only thinks of defeat. Not many friends will find time regularly to meet him/her and give a pep talk. Most of the times such people are on their own. When they watch Inspirational screensavers, they read the message again and again and that message fights their negativity.

This is a self-help tool. There are more than hundreds of such screensavers available online at no cost and you can download as many as you wish free. Watch them whenever you need to get into inspirational mood. Before a presentation, before an examination or before going for a surgery or anytime you are feeling little low in spirit. Send them to your friends, who you feel may need the screensavers to fight any problems. Screensavers with Inspirational messages are a fun way to get inspired right on your desktop at no cost.

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Rose Desrochers Thoughts On Taking Responsibility For Our Actions

When do we start taking responsibility for our own actions? It appears that we no longer own our actions. Owning our actions, involves taking personal responsibility for what we do. Why is it that when something goes wrong, we need some place to lay the blame? Part of being a mature, responsible adult is to know that when we make a decision in life we are responsible for the outcome, not someone else.


Let’s look at the following examples:
                  
A married man goes out and has an affair. He blames the wife for not satisfying his needs in bed. Did he ever stop to think that maybe his problem lies with him and not with his wife?

Your electricity gets turned off because you didn’t pay the bill. Do you blame the mail man for not bringing the bill? Do you blame the electrical company, because you didn’t receive the bill? You knew the bill was due. You pay it every month, don’t you? It comes down to responsibility.

You join a website and the administrator bans you for breaking the terms of service. You blame the administrator? Why? You knew the rules of the website upon joining and had you not known the rules, you should have prepared yourself better by reading them.

Your daughter gets pregnant at 15. Let me guess you blame Britney Spears for influencing her to dress sexy. Yet you purchased the clothes for her and allowed her to wear them.

Your son gets suspended from school for fighting, drinking and drugs. You don't take responsibility as the parent. You blame the child. Well don't family values start at home? It is the rules that you set down and enforce that count.


When do we start taking responsibilities for our lives? We all have a responsibility to pay our bills, go to work, follow the rules and bring up our families within societal norms.

It is really unfortunate that we seem to be raising a generation of children that don’t take responsibility for their actions either. They blame their friends, they blame their teachers, and they blame everyone around them, but never themselves.


When you feel you are mistreated, why is it that you just can't seem to let go of it, get over it and move on with your life? If you feel someone has wrong you and doesn't want to own up to the fact that they have mistreated you then there isn't much that you can do about it.You need to accept that the person isn’t going to see no wrong doing on their part, pick up your bruised ego and move on.

When do we learn as adults to be responsible for our own actions? When do we start living with the consequences of our decisions? Let go of blaming and being a victim. It serves no one. It sure doesn’t help you. Has not excepting responsibility for your actions made you happy? It is time to admit your mistakes rather than blame someone else.


Being a responsible adult means that you accept credit when you do the right thing and accept correction when someone tells you that you have made a wrong choice in your life.


We’re adults here and we want to be treated as such unless it’s not in our favor and then we want to blame someone else, anyone but ourselves.

I think it is time each of us assumed responsibility in life, by being liable for our actions and taking ownership of them. Please for goodness sake, stop making excuses for your life. When you have done wrong, admit to your mistakes and then move on.

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Reflections on a New Image

Occasionally I have an identity crisis.  I think that's good.  From time to time I have to ask myself questions like:  Who am I?  What am I doing?  Do I like doing it?  Am I good at it?  Will it help the world? and How does the world know I'm doing it?

It began this time when I asked a friend and colleague to help me with the process of reexamining my business card and letterhead.  Since my last printing, I had expanded the way I work with voice, conflict and aikido, and I wanted my visual image to reflect the changes. 

I thought it would be simple. She'd take all my questions and resolve them in some way that would be clear, concise, and visually pleasing.  She did -- but it wasn't simple, and I wasn't prepared for what lay ahead.

When she showed me her ideas I literally stepped back, wide-eyed, and almost stumbled over my chair.  She presented a new, much more powerful image of me and my work. It was very different from the look I'd grown accustomed to, and it simultaneously shocked and delighted me. It also began an internal process of discovery that has been quite interesting.

Aikido and Power
I thought I knew who I was. I just had some questions about how to visually integrate the different aspects of my work -- voice, aikido, conflict resolution -- into a coherent package.  But I had a basic image that I'd been using and that functioned pretty well.  As it turns out it wasn't the whole me, nor was it the whole of my work. In the Japanese martial art Aikido there are two central elements.  One is learning to flow and blend with energy.  The second is the power you gain when that happens.  Aikido is a very powerful martial art. It is not resistant, but it is not passive.  Verbally, we use aikido when we are clear about our position while acknowledging others, and when we use words to connect instead of attack.  I have always identified with the flow of aikido but found it more difficult to engage its power.  Similarly in life I find it easy to blend (listen, acknowledge, agree) but more difficult to use power (state my position, ask for what I want, say no).  My image on paper reflected that too. 

In my aikido practice -- and in life -- I’m learning to be more powerful, and it's fun.  I throw harder, and I communicate more powerfully.  But it's not always easy because my image (both of myself and reflected in others) says that I'm a "nice" person.  And that "nice" image conflicts with a "power" image.  Powerful people aren't always nice, and nice people aren't usually powerful.  But is it possible to be both -- to blend and be powerful at the same time?  In fact, aikido's message is that true power lies in blending.  Power without blending is destructive.  And to blend without power is to lose our center. 

Now back to my image control problem.  The graphic reflection of my work initially challenged my self image.  But the timing was perfect.  Just as my work was evolving to include the powerful aspect of aikido, my colleague captured that power and clarified it graphically.

Critical Questions
One of life's ongoing conflicts is the question "Who am I?" Both personally and organizationally we need to address this conflict periodically and to ask ourselves who we are and whether our inner and outer images are accurate.  To flourish as an individual or a corporate entity, this kind of clarifying conflict is vital.

Annie Dillard said:  "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."  We all need to revisit our image on occasion, because it forces us to ask the important questions that must be asked if we're going to create the life -- the organization, the school, or the company -- we want, one that is uniquely ours and that we love.  Our ultimate power is not the power to control how others see us but to appreciate and bring to light the undiscovered parts of ourselves.   As we move forward in life, our evolution has a natural flow to it.  Am I enjoying my work or am I struggling?  Do I create my life anew each day?  What energizes me?  Where am I going and to what end?  Important questions for all of us this year, this day, this moment.

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Receive To Give

Some time ago, I had a friend come to me. They were in desperate need of my services as a therapist to help them overcome some of the challenges in their life.

Bill, as we will call him here, was unhappy, suicidal, virtually bankrupt and generally not in a good place.

I worked with him for three straight hours, helping him resolve his issues and create an action plan so he could move on and break through the blocks that were holding him back.

After the session Bill apologised to me for being in such a bad way and asked what he could do in return for all the help that I had given him.

As you do in this sort of situation, I just smiled and said nothing, it’s my pleasure to help.

He looked at me and said, “But I’ve got to do something to repay you for everything you’ve done for me.” The look of worry and concern on his face for not being able to pay me back struck me.

At that moment, I had a revelation. I could insist that he did nothing and send him on his way. But However, I looked at his face and realised that he really wanted to give something in return for what he had received.

I realised that the best way I could give anything to him at this point was to accept his offer and say yes. Doing this, I honoured him and I made him feel very special and wanted.

I replied to him, “Do whatever you feel appropriate.”

He smiled, agreed, and changed the subject.

A few days later I had a phone call from Bill. He told me how well he was doing and how good life was feeling for the first time for months. He also invited me over to his house the next Friday night. I asked what for and he just said, “Just be there at 7pm.”

There was no arguing with him.

7pm Friday arrived and I rang his doorbell. He opened the door and smiled when he saw me. “Welcome, come in Jason, it is lovely to see you,” he shook my hand firmly and ushered me in the house.

He then looked at me and said, “You did so much for me the other night, I know you are a really busy person and I just wanted to do something to thank you.”

Now Bill knew me pretty well and knew that two of my biggest passions were books and pizza. I have thousands of books on all sorts of subjects and collect them passionately.

He sat me down and gave me a glass of wine and we chatted for a while. Eventually Bill said, “Now, you did a lot for me the other day and I really appreciate it. I can’t afford to pay you fully for your time.”

At that point I started to mutter that it was not necessary, he was a friend, and so on.

However, he continued anyway, “So I have a little something for you instead.”

He pulled a box out from under the coffee table and passed it to me. “These are for you to say thank you.”

“You didn’t need to,” I said, feeling a little uncomfortable, and I opened the box. Inside were a stack of old paperbacks. I pulled them out and started to look through.

“It’s not much I know, but I know how much you love books, and I had these in the attic and thought you would really appreciate them.” Bill looked at me, a huge smile on his face.

The box contained about two dozen self-help classics dating from the 1950’s. I was surprised and amazed.

”I want you to have this as a thank you for everything you have done for me and for helping me get myself sorted again.” Just then the doorbell rung and Bill jumped up with an even bigger smile on his face, “Pizza’s here” He said as he bounded to the door.

By giving Bill the chance to give something back for what I had done for him, it had boosted his self-worth. It had made him feel good because he had felt an obligation to me. This has been termed “The Law of Reciprocation”. That is, when you do something for someone else, they feel obliged to do something back. By allowing them to do so, you can help to make them feel better about themselves and more worthwhile.

Next time someone offers to give you something, ask yourself if it is better for you to receive than give in that situation; by receiving you can often give more than you can imagine.

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No GPS for Lindbergh

Although flying from New York to Paris is no big deal today, Charles Lindbergh flew his 3,600 mile, 33 1/2 hour flight in 1927 without a telegraph, radio or Global Positioning System (GPS). In his plane, The Spirit of St. Louis, Lindbergh packed a few sandwiches, a couple canteens of water, 451 gallons of gas and a few maps. Several men had attempted to fly the same distance as Lindbergh, but failed only weeks before he made his record-setting flight. Lindbergh made a seemingly impossible journey come true.

In order to maximize gas mileage, Lindbergh traveled as lightly as he could. He wore a light jacket compared to a traditional leather pilot’s jacket, which made him more vulnerable to the elements. He used a thinner seat in which to pilot the aircraft, which compromised his comfort. Since he opted to travel solo, he had The Spirit of St. Louis built as a one seat airplane. If he fell asleep, he could crash in the Atlantic. Lindbergh also excluded night flying equipment and a parachute, which sacrificed his safety. Some could argue that Lindbergh literally bet his life on flying from NY to Paris.

Charles Lindbergh proved to the world that someone can succeed without needing to use luxuries. Lindbergh did not use luxuries in 1927 or electronic navigational devices.

How many times have we complained that our desktop or laptop is running slowly? How many of us have said that our office equipment is not the greatest? After what Lindbergh endured with his record flight, just how big do your problems really seem?

Here are some of the great things that Lindbergh taught us:

1. The Spirit of St. Louis was designed and built in 60 days

Many of us complain that we don’t have enough time to do things. A single-engine airplane that was going to be flown across the Atlantic Ocean, which was never done before, was built in two months. Lindbergh, Donald Hall and a crew of 35 other men worked on the airplane. Hall worked an average of 90 hours per week. At one point, Hall worked on the plane for 36 and 20 consecutive hours. Many of us think that life was so much easier in yesteryear. History provides the contrary.

Lindbergh knew his time was limited. A $25,000 prize was offered to the first one who could fly across the Atlantic Ocean. Others had perished attempting to set Lindbergh’s record. A few weeks prior to Lindbergh’s start of his flight from New York, a couple of Frenchmen had died attempting to fly from Paris to New York. Charles Lindbergh was determined enough to have a plane built in two months and fly the plane over the Atlantic Ocean. How determined are we in a time crunch? Although we may not feel the same pressure as Lindbergh did when he attempted to set a flying record, we still have situations where more time would be needed.

Are we asking for help like Lindbergh did? Lindbergh’s dream may have been impossible without the help of Donald Hall and the 35 men that built the Spirit of St. Louis. Asking for help is no disgrace. If asking for help was good enough for Lindbergh, it can be good enough for us.

2. "Why shouldn't I fly from New York to Paris?”

Lindbergh was quoted as saying, "Why shouldn't I fly from New York to Paris? ...I have more than four years of aviation behind me, and close to two thousand hours in the air. I've barnstormed over half of the forty-eight states. ...Why am I not qualified for such a flight?" Lindbergh put possibility out there for himself and did it!!

What is keeping us from thinking the same way? There is no reason why we cannot make a trip of our own.

3. Lindbergh did not compromise his goals

Initially, a company offered Lindbergh a plane for $15,000, but the company’s president wanted to choose the pilot and Lindbergh was not the president’s choice to fly it. Another company offered to build Lindbergh a plane for $6,000. Ultimately, Lindbergh accepted the deal and within 60 days, the plane was completed.

How often have we compromised our goals? Many of us have always wanted to write a book, an article, a poem, prose, fiction or nonfiction. Unfortunately for many of us, we have settled for what we are doing instead of making our dream of what we could be doing happen. What is stopping us from making that dream happen? We give all kinds of reasons as to why we cannot devote a few minutes a day to obtaining our goals. Fortunately, goals do not have to happen overnight. Only three percent of the population writes down their career dreams, goals and aspirations. How many of us are writing down our dreams?

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.” - Goethe

What goals do you have and how determined are you to attain them? What goals have you accomplished that initially seemed impossible? Although the magnitude of your goals may not seem as impossible as Lindbergh’s transatlantic flight, they are still your goals. How many of your goals have you compromised and how many goals have you achieved? Lindbergh did not settle for anything less than his goal of flying across the Atlantic. Although some of your goals may initially seem impossible, you also should not settle for anything less than achieving what is important to you.

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Make Their Day

"Use every man after his desert, and who shall 'scape whipping? Use them after your own honour and dignity: the less they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty." – Hamlet, William Shakespeare

When was the last time someone made your day – or you made theirs? In the national bestselling book, FISH!, by Stephen C. Lundin Ph.D., Harry Paul, and John Christensen, the fishmongers at the world famous Pike Place Fish Company in Seattle do it daily. They do it by throwing fish and joking with their loyal customer-fans, and by just having fun.

I made a point recently to look for people I could "treat" this way, and it was really fun. I think I felt better than they did. I realized that when you make someone’s day, it bounces back on you. It's a great feeling to witness the joy and surprise on their faces.

It can be little things, like:
• Smiling
• Saying “Good morning”
• Offering your place in line to a harried fellow shopper
• Bringing a cup of coffee to your office mate
• Doing a task for a coworker
• Over-tipping at your favorite restaurant
• Taking time with someone who needs it
• Being a fully present listener

It doesn't take much to create a joyful moment. Look around, and you'll find there are more openings than you think. They're everywhere!

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Living on Purpose: One Rock at a Time

I just got back from Colorado where I spent a week relaxing, re-energizing and revisiting the key values in my life. The lodge where I stayed is called Peaceful Valley, and it has a chapel on the premises. I’ve been to Peaceful Valley and to this chapel many times over the years. The chapel is at the end of a steep ten-minute hike, which has become a ritual for me. The view at the top -- a part of the Rocky Mountain range -- is breathtaking.

On the way down one morning I was in a hurry and going too fast for the terrain. I nearly fell. There were lots of rocks, and it was easy to hit a wobbly one and slip.

I slowed down, took a deep breath, and placed my foot down purposefully on the next rock, and then the next. I soon sped up and had to slow myself down again.

I decided that even if I was late, I would place each foot consciously every time I took a step. It took a lot for me to do this. But it turned out to be an amazing centering and meditative practice. One rock at a time -- that's all I chose to think about. And I was suddenly more aware of everything -- the sound of the wind, the chattering of birds and squirrels, and the light of the early morning sun on the golden aspens.

I thought: I could do this more often. Be here now. Feel the touch of my foot on the rock. Feel the steering wheel as I drive. BE at the stop light, instead of minutes or hours ahead at the destination. Hear the birds outside my office window.

I begin to think that multi-tasking is overrated. The really hard thing is to be fully present in one place at a time.

How aware are you of this moment? Does life seem to speed up so much that you miss some of the most important parts? Take a moment right now and breathe. Count to 5 on the inhale, and count 5 again on the exhale. Take the time. It’s now that you’re alive, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Now.
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"Centering is the art of being fully alive. And wherever the art of centering is practiced, things change dramatically."
-- Tom Crum, "Journey to Center"
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Wishing you good energy in every moment!

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Life Changing Tips For Boomers: Rewire Your Brain To Control Your Emotions, and Make Positive Life Choices

Do You Seem to Get Caught Up in the Same Old Reactions?

Have you ever blown up at your spouse only to realize—after the smoke cleared—that you might have over-reacted just a tad? Maybe you learn that you haven’t been invited to your uncle’s friend’s sister’s birthday party and you behave as if it’s the slight of the century.

Sometimes even the most minor snafu can send us storming out of the room, slamming down a phone, or just shutting down entirely. It’s like we just can’t help it—the reaction is as automatic as a mallet to the knee.

Science Reveals It May Not Be Your Fault

New research indicates that these habitual, knee-jerk responses go way back to our childhood. As youngsters, we learned to adapt to our families’ idiosyncrasies as a way of survival. Psychologists used to refer to these coping mechanisms as our baggage—but what science has now shown us is that these responses are actually hard-wired into our brains. And because our responses are so ingrained, they have become our filtering system for future incidents. In other words, if something happens today that the brain reads as being similar to something that happened in the past, it will respond as if it were the first time, even though you may be in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond.

Bringing This to Life

For example, let’s say a child comes from a home where the parents fight frequently. That child is going to associate yelling with bad feelings. In later years, if his spouse raises her voice, he’s likely to shut down like when he was a kid—metaphorically running to his room, closing the door, and essentially blocking out the noise.

Does this mean if you come from a family of yellers you’re doomed to hide under your bed every time someone raises a voice? Luckily, recent research indicates that the brain continues to grow throughout our lives—and old patterns can be released as new ones are formed in your boomer years..

Help Is On the Way

The way to managing your anger and knee jerk reactions is to establish new connections by refocusing your attention to a different outcome or possibility. But, before you can foster these new connections in your brain, you have to be aware of the old brain triggers.

When I try and distinguish whether someone’s reaction is a past association, I look to see if their reaction to the situation is automatic and intense. Additionally, when I try and offer an alternative to why they’re behaving that way, the person is resistant and reluctant to consider any other view or interpretation of the situation—other than their own.

In my practice, I work extensively with clients to help them rewire and rewrite their lives. Here is an easy exercise to get you started on rewiring your brain to control your anger and over-reactions that will bring about positive changes in your life-today!

1. Thinking of Alternatives:

a. When you’re projecting your past experience onto a present one, try and imagine alternative ways to handle the situation. For example, let’s say you have lunch plans with a friend—who cancels at the last minute. Immediately, you feel an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection. Which is how you always feel in similar situations—indicating—voila—a past pattern! Be conscious of this and take a step back to recognize it.

b. Then, approach the situation from an entirely different perspective. Maybe you use humor to deflect the bad feelings, thinking to yourself, “Gee, I guess it’s my deodorant.” Or, you choose the direct approach and ask your friend if you’ve done something to upset her. Or, you take the practical route and figure your friend just overbooked, overextended, or over-promised—and give her a get-out-of-jail-free card. (Hint: If you have difficulty coming up with alternative ways to handle the situation, think about how someone else - your mother, a childhood friend, an admired acquaintance - might handle the same situation.)

2. Plugging in New Choices:

a. Now, replay the actual situation as vividly as possible—the phone ringing, the sound of your friend’s voice, the awkward goodbyes—and imagine yourself carrying out one of your new solutions. Maybe you decide that being understanding of your friend’s busy schedule is the best choice.

b. Replay the phone call and plug in your new behavior, the understanding you, rather than playing out your old behavior of feeling rejected and hurt.

Making it Last

Before long, you will begin to see a slight shift in how you feel. By doing this exercise again and again, you will refocus your attention on a new outcome. This will rewire your brain and make a new neural connection—a connection to positive change!

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Life according to Mike

About 15 years ago a good friend of mine died, he was 45 years old. He had cancer. Although we didn't meet often, I lived on one side of Australia and he on the other, but when we did there was no stopping us. We used to laugh a lot and talked for hours on end.

He had a loving family, his own business, he was a happy, successful man in every way. We all knew he was going to die, yet strangely, there was no sadness in his eyes and none of us felt uncomfortable about being around him or even talking about the inevitable. There was this strange peace, calm about him. No rush, no bitterness, do dramas. When I asked him how he felt about life and dying, this was what he said:

"When I was a child we had two dogs in the yard, in those days you didn't think twice about tying them up, not like today. So they were both tied up, heavy gage stuff you know, just to be on the safe side. One of the dogs was just lying around all day. Nothing seemed to stir it. Had his drinks, feeds at the same time, day in, day out, lying or sleeping all day. If people walked past, he would just look at them from the corner of his eyes without much bother and then go back to what it was doing before, nothing.

The other one was a different story. It was full of energy or maybe even anger. Always rattling his chain, always fighting against being tied up; wanting to get free, one way or another. Barking at everyone at every opportunity, trying to draw attention.

I'll never forget those two dogs and the two different ways they chose to deal with their lot. One, having resigned to his fate and the other fighting in every possible way he could to change it even though it was, unfortunately, quite futile.

I see the same with people. One lot, who have said YES to life and the others who have said NO. I'd made the decision then that I will say YES to life, live it to the fullest, making the best of every opportunity. Live every day as if it was my last, making sure that I would not have regrets of not having done something or not making the best of my time on this planet of ours or leaving any unfinished business behind."

We kept on talking all night just as we did so many times before. That day was a turning point in my life. My friend became more to me on that day. He became my mentor and role-model. I've tried to follow his examples, making the best of what I'm given and living every day as it was my last.

Do YOU; think about it!

To a fulfilled life,
Ference

PS
In case you are wondering, his name was Mike, Mike Weldon.

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Letting Go Of Perfection

"The power of discovery enables us to achieve excellence without having to be "perfect.'"

– Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict

I arrived at the conference center ready to present my workshop. Almost immediately I noticed the room was too small and it was not set up as requested. There were no flipcharts and there were tables, though I had specifically asked for open space. I caught myself and smiled. I drew the word D I S C O V E R Y in large letters on a piece of newsprint and put it at the front of the room as a reminder.

Discovery
One of my favorite words, the concept of Discovery excites the brain, conjures up lost treasure, desert islands, new inventions, and old relics, something that was – up to now – unknown.  Explorers discover new lands, scientists discover cures for diseases, and philosophers seek to discover the truth.

What about discovering each other?  Learning what is new and important in each of our neighbors, friends, family, colleagues; what has been lost in the daily grind of work; truths, values, and hopes that are yet to be revealed? Discovery. A lovely word.

I first came to appreciate Discovery in The Magic of Conflict, where Thomas Crum describes it as a magical domain that "allows us to move beyond the fight, beyond success, to an open realm of possibility." When we’re in Discovery mode, we are spontaneous, curious, fascinated, and appreciative of life in all its diversity.

Young children live in Discovery and sometimes we do. Katharine Hepburn lived a life of stardom but never lost her childlike fascination with people and life. Thomas Edison’s famous quotation after many attempts at inventing the light bulb shows a person in Discovery mode: "I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work!"

Perfection
What’s the opposite of Discovery? Perfection – a place with which we're all too familiar. In Perfection, things have to be done right, we have to look good, get good grades, and win the games we play. Our standards are high, and failure is to be avoided at all costs. In daily conflicts, sometimes at the expense of our dearest relationships, we have to prevail. When we feel attacked we fight back, sometimes with our own hurtful words, or with behavior calculated to control, manipulate and diminish.

Shifting Gears
According to Tom Crum, when we shift into Discovery, we treat mistakes as outcomes and conflicts as opportunities to learn and understand more of the world and our partners. We stop being afraid to fail because there is no failure, only increased awareness and experience.  We enter a world of wonder, spontaneity, and fun.

What Can I Learn Here?
We shift into Discovery, not with judgment, but with awareness – by moving from "How can I be right about this?" to: "What can I learn here?"

When I'm angry because I just missed a three-foot putt, Discovery changes self-judgment into an opportunity for learning.

In the middle of a tough meeting with your department manager, try asking yourself - "What can I learn here?" What is it about this issue that's important to each of us?

Upon arriving home, you find your life partner upset.Your first reaction is that it's something you did. But wait! "What can I learn here?" jumps into your thoughts, and you ask: "Honey, you seem upset. Anything I can help with?" And you hear: "I'm just worried that I won’t finish this new project they gave me at work in time." 

Or your teenager is exhibiting new habits that have you worried. It's worth checking out what the worldview is from her perspective before reaching a judgment.

We’ve all experienced moments of Discovery when we break through to a new understanding. It’s a powerful place that we like and want to revisit.  The challenge is to choose to go there on purpose, especially in difficult situations.  Katharine Hepburn has been quoted as saying, "Wouldn’t it be great if people could get to live suddenly as often as they die suddenly?"  Shifting from perfection to Discovery is the way.  Try it.  Discover for yourself.

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Knowing When I'm Not: 4 Suggestions for Developing a Strong Center

The more I practice centering, the more I realize that as important as it is to be able to identify and access the centered state, it is equally important to be able to know when I'm NOT centered. Otherwise, how do I choose?

When I'm centered I'm in control of my behavior. Centered action is on purpose and by choice. Uncentered action is reactive and out of control, and I end up looking back with regret.

I've spent a lot of time figuring out my personal symptoms of uncenteredness. Physically, my legs tense and knees lock; my jaw locks, my throat closes, and I stop breathing.

Mental and emotional symptoms vary, but I can become self-righteous, depressed, and very self-critical. Without warning, these reactive responses combine into a mind/body state that is powerful enough to overcome all my good intentions and noble purposes.

When something happens that triggers these physical and emotional states, I increasingly notice them at earlier stages. I can then ask myself if I want to go where they will carry me. Sometimes it's a difficult choice. These reactions are "practiced" and seductive. To choose to be centered means to integrate that energy in some new and more useful way in which I'm not as practiced.

This kind of awareness is learned and developed. And, speaking from experience, it can be done. Here's my path, and I urge you to add to it:

• INTENTION. Have a clear intention to develop control over your reactive state.

• DISCOVERY. Begin to notice your symptoms. The next time you start to "lose it," become active in that process and make a different choice.

• JUST DO IT. (Thank you, Nike.) Breathe, relax, or play a mental tape that helps you get centered. Visualize your "happy place," as one of my clients puts it.

• DISCIPLINE. Don't settle for letting yourself be hijacked by your reactions. When you do "lose it" - use it. Go back in your mind's eye, and ask how the situation might have played out had you been centered. It's a great way to reinforce what you want to do next time.

You have more power than you think. Know what you want for your life and go get it.

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How to Get More Referral Business

Word of mouth is one of the most effective ways to grow your coaching business. It’s free, or at most costs very little, yet very few coaches use it to anywhere near it’s potential!

Consider this: if you got just one referral from each one of your clients, over the next 60 days you’d double your client base! What would that mean to your potential income and how many more people would you be helping in supportive and uplifting ways?

So, how do you maximize word of mouth? Here are 5 Steps you can take now…

1. Really appreciate your clients and let them know consistently you value them
This is the most important, yet overlooked element of creating endless referrals. Many businesses focus more on profits than on people. Focusing on profits alone can be detrimental to success and ‘Word of Mouth’ success comes from looking beyond just profit into how you can enrich your customer’s lives.

Action: At least once a month, take the time to communicate to each of your clients and show them you appreciate them. Send them something of value, something unexpected, a bonus report, a special piece of news you just found. Make it relevant to them and do it regularly.

2. Create an exceptional experience each time they deal with you or your company
If you can make doing business with you an exceptional experience, your clients will want to tell a lot of people. People want amazing experiences!

Here is an example: There is a Life Coach in Brisbane who has a special relationship with a city coffee shop. Once every 8 weeks he invites his clients to a ‘brains trust’ meeting and the coffee and cake is on the house. Every client that attends gets a card and a voucher from the coffee shop owner to say ‘Thank you for joining us today, we would love to see you again soon’. The voucher is a ‘buy one get one free’ coffee voucher. So they are encouraged to come back again. And because the coffee shop owner is exposing his business to potential new clients the coach pays just cost price on the coffee and cake his clients eat. Normally about 8 clients attend and the cost is around $30. Just a little extra touch can make dealing with your business that much more of an exceptional experience!

Action: What can you do now to add little things that make an exceptional experience? Perhaps you can use the above example or something similar. Remember, start creating exceptional experiences today.

3. Give your customers incentives for giving you referrals
If you’re being passive about referrals then you’re sitting on a gold-mine. Come up with ways of rewarding your clients for referring business to you. They could receive free gifts, such as a 30 minute back massage voucher for referring a friend or a free Style Cut from an award winning beauty salon. The businesses involved would welcome the opportunity to have new clients come their way and would be happy to give that first style cut or treatment for free if they understand the potential value of a new customer.

Action: Reward your clients for referring people to you. Come up with rewards that will be beneficial to your clients. If you worked with executive clients perhaps a free 30 minute health check at a trusted health centre would be valuable or a voucher to use at an upmarket clothing boutique.

4. Make it easy for clients to give you referrals
If you want to get lots of referrals, you must make it incredibly easy for your clients to tell their friends. Don’t expect them to go way out of the way to help you grow your business. Make it as simple as possible.

Action: Develop a ‘referral package’ that you give to your clients. Ask your clients to be an ambassador for your business as you wish to work with people similar to them. The package would include a letter explaining why referrals are important to you, and a series of referral cards that your client can give out to others. Present it professionally and it will hold more value, more worth. 

5. Ask at the right time!
When is the best time to ask for referrals? Any time! If you have followed the steps listed above…you’ve let clients know they are appreciated, you’ve made dealing with you an exceptional experience, you give them an incentive to share your message with friends and you make it easy for them to do so…you can ask for referrals at any time. 

Action: The key is to do something now. Draft up a letter or e-mail today and just send it off to your clients letting them know how much you value them, who much you have enjoyed working with them in the past and include something that is going to be helpful, useful for them to use, read or understand. Then over the next 4 to 6 weeks develop your ‘referral package’ and start to use it. Take yourself out of your comfort zone and take action….because if you don’t someone will and what will that mean to your business in the years to come.

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How to Deal With Difficult People

In business, like the rest of life we will often encounter people who are just that little more difficult to get along with. Some use the term ‘personality conflict’ to describe the situation, yet this suggests that there is some sort of unbreakable barrier and that the problem is somewhat unfixable, since it is highly unlikely somebody is going to change their entire personality for the sake of better work relations! A far more rational solution is to change specific behaviours, rather than personality traits.

Situations with difficult employees tend to occur over time; after all it is not very common to hire someone and find them impossible to deal with after the first week. Usually it is small irritating personal habits that progress over time into larger annoying behaviours after being left unattended. In any relationship, both people influence the other's behaviour. In almost every conflict situation, both parties bear some responsibility for the way things end up.

Focusing on blame will produce no results and only irritate you further. The most proactive thing you can do in these situations is focus on what YOU can do to make things better. It doesn't matter who is at fault, if your primary concern is to rectify the situation. Try to consider your contribution in this unpleasant situation; perhaps you have just written them off as a lost cause, their own worst enemy? Now try to consider ways in which you can change this; maybe by getting more involved with them personally, making an effort to become friends.

A good idea is to approach the situation in a non- accusatory tone, preferably when you are both calm and in a private situation. Address the problems you are experiencing, once you have finished let them have their say and be sure to listen intently so they know you are truly concerned and interested. When possible find things to agree on, and offer something in return.

If you are clearly frustrated it will show. It is important that you deal with things firmly, but nicely and without dramatics. To remain the bigger person you should retain quiet dignity, even if the other person becomes rude or nasty. No-one is suggesting you smile and turn the other cheek in the face of abuse, but if you counter-attack or react in kind, you will almost always make the situation worse.

Avoid gossip of any kind as you will start to involve other members of staff. As well as being disruptive to the organization, it will make it more difficult to fix the situation. Gossip only focuses on the worst part of a person and paints them in a very negative light. Along with being unfair, it affects your thinking and actually shortens your patience, especially when you get covert support from others.

Like every situation, prevention is better than cure, by using a combination of politeness and limit setting these situations can be completely avoided. However, sometimes the conflict becomes so polarized that you will have to go to outside sources to seek help. If the person in question is a fellow staff member, one possibility is to approach your team leader and explain the situation. Do your best not to convince your boss how ‘bad’ the other person is, it will just make you look like the problem.

At the end of the day there is generally a solution to every problem. If the situation persists and you and the person in question continue not to see eye to eye, then perhaps mediation or some other form of intervention may be necessary. In any case you must remember that there are two sides to every story, maybe you aren’t being as reasonable as you originally thought? Be open to others suggestions and opinions, and be aware of your rights and responsibilities in a conflict situation, as well as theirs.

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How To Cope With Nasty People At Work

I worked for many years in an office environment and would have enjoyed the experience if it was not for a number of over bearing and annoying colleagues. These people seemed to spend the whole day bitching and gossiping about other people which can make life at work very stressful and uncomfortable.

After leaving school I was excited that I was now entering into the adult world. I was more than happy to leave behind me the childish ways of school life where people are constantly taking the mickey out of each other, which is apparently supposed to be fun and basically act like fools. This was certainly not what I saw as enjoyment.

I eventually obtained a position working for an insurance company where I would have to carry out basic office duties. I was slightly apprehensive as it was all new to me of course but what I found when I started to work their came as quite a shock. Some of these so called adults were also acting like they were still at school.

The males in the office were always at each others throats, throwing insults which I have to add were mainly in jest, and basically acting like they were fourteen years of age.

The women though were so annoying it was untrue. Of course it was not all of the women but just a handful of them. This however was enough to make it an uncomfortable place to work. These women were always ready to spread gossip about other people and were so two faced it was unbelievable.

As an example, I will tell you a story which I am now able to laugh about, but which at the time was quite hard to handle. I went out for a few drinks one night and in the bar, there was a woman who worked in the same office that I did. She was what I called, one of the bitches!

I went over and started talking to her. I had had a number of drinks and felt quite sociable. She had a friend with her who I have to say was very attractive and I also started to make small talk with her. I started to get on really well with this friend and thought that I had pulled etc.

After buying them both a drink I went to the toilet. Whilst I was in the toilets my friends warned this friend of my colleague not to get too close to me because I was gay (which I am not). They were just trying to ruin it for me, nice hey!

I came back to the group and both of these women had left to go somewhere else. I was most frustrated but was unaware of what had been said.

I went back to work the next day and people acted differently towards me. I later found out from a good friend that this colleague had told everyone that I was gay.

I have no problem with people who are gay and this incident showed me what it must be like for them at times.

I went up and told this woman exactly what I thought of her and warned her never to spread any rumours about me again, as it would be the last rumour she would ever spread, if she did etc.

The next few days were quite unpleasant as people were treating me like some kind of leper. I did not try to convince them that I was straight as it should not be an issue in the first place.

After this I went to work with the sole intention of doing my job, I do not need these type of people in my life.

If you work with people like I have described above, I feel sorry for you. Try hard to not let them ruin your day at work as if they do, then they will have won.

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How Gratitude Can Change Your Life

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, the holiday that has its origin in the Puritan’s tradition of giving thanks for a good harvest.  The Puritans weren’t the first in this regard.  Many religious and societal traditions are based in the concept of gratitude.  What all these traditions may or may not have known is that recent scientific studies point to a direct link between gratitude and a deep satisfaction with life.  Not only is it good to give thanks, it is good for you to do so!

In a study at the University of California at Davis, Professor Robert Emmons came up with some very interesting and illuminating results from his research project on gratitude and thankfulness.  Professor Emmons found that people who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events. In addition, participants who kept the journals were more likely to make progress towards their personal goals in life.

The study also notes that people with a strong disposition toward gratitude have the capacity to be empathic and to take the perspective of others. Grateful individuals place less importance on material goods; they are less likely to judge their own and others success in terms of possessions accumulated; they are less envious of wealthy persons; and are more likely to share their possessions with others relative to less grateful persons.

If the practice of gratitude is so beneficial to our overall well-being, how can we learn to cultivate it more?  My gut feeling is that the type of gratitude we normally experience when we see others that are less fortunate than ourselves is not enough.  If it were, we would all be much happier as we are surrounded by evidence of the suffering of so many people in the world today.  It seems that we need to look directly at our own lives in order to be truly grateful and thereby reap the benefits of gratitude.

The concept of gratitude is directly related to the idea of the power of positive thinking.  Concentrating on what we do have versus what we don’t have seems to be the key. Reminding ourselves on a daily basis of all the things that come our way keeps us grounded in gratitude instead of want.  At any given moment during the day we can stop in the moment and be thankful.  Keeping a record of these moments, journaling, is what Professor Emmons recommends.  When life becomes overwhelming we can look back at our musings and see just how lucky we really are.

Indeed, further results of the University of California’s study show that a daily gratitude intervention (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others).  There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups.



As we are told not to sweat the small things so too can we be very grateful for the little joys in our lives. I just got back from running to school to drop-off something for my daughter.  Upon entering the house, which is warm and toasty compared to the rainy, cold day outside, I was greeted by my three dogs with tons of kisses and love.  They now lie by my feet as I type away.  The house is peaceful and quiet like my own personal sanctuary.  I glance out my windows and see nothing but the foliage that envelops my home.  These are the little moments that that we can become attuned to in gratitude.  There are hundreds of such moments in any given week if we are mindful of them.  They add up and build upon one another to create a more centered, content and positive perspective on life.

Furthermore, the research reports that grateful people do not deny or ignore the negative aspects of life.  Again, my intuition tells me that given the perspective that gratitude gifts us, we are undoubtedly more equipped to handle life’s challenges.  One’s attitude can determine how effective one is in coping with what life throws in our direction.  Our perspective on life determines our reality.  If we approach things with a perspective grounded in say the belief that life is unfair, everything that turns up will look unfair. But as we practice gratitude, we are endowed with its gifts of optimism and the necessary energy required to take on our lives. 

How can you start to practice gratitude?  Begin with the art of mindfulness, being totally present in the moment.  Notice all the little things that surround you, things you might take for granted if you hadn’t stopped to really look.  Offer acknowledgement of these small gifts much like my moment in a warm and peaceful home with my dogs. Write them down in a gratitude journal.  The little things make up the fabric of our days, our months, and our years.  Oftentimes we hardly notice them because we are so caught up in the task of living.  As they say, stop and smell the roses.

Stop and consider what you have been given in life.  Are you blessed with financial security?  Do you have loving children, a supportive family?  A nice home?  Are you in good health?  Do you enjoy your work?  Do you have wonderful friends?  What does nature give to you? Do you have a supportive and loving mate? Concentrate on what you do have and not what you lack.

Research also tells us that the act of giving back to the world has much the same effect as gratitude.  Interestingly enough, Emmons study also found that participants in the daily gratitude condition were more likely to report having helped someone with a personal problem or having offered emotional support to another.  The act of gratitude and the act of giving back therefore reinforce each other and lead to the inevitable …more fulfilling, meaningful and happy lives.

These are things that we all know to be true in the abstract and yet we can take them from the abstract into the specifics of our own existence.  Start practicing gratitude today.  Pull out a notebook and write down just one thing.  Commit to adding to this journal everyday.  A good time might be before bedtime when you have time to reflect back on your day.  Think of all the good things that occurred.  Perhaps a brief but meaningful exchange with a child or a friend.  Maybe a great cup of coffee.   When you put down your pen and paper, you might just go to sleep easier.  That’s yet something else for which to be grateful.

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How Can I Teach My Child to Live Life to the Full?

I have spent many years trying to develop my inner self. It has not been easy. Overcoming my fears, inhibitions and inertia was difficult, but the effort has been worth it and I believe I live my life to its full potential. But how can I teach my child to live life to the full?

The search for self improvement is full of self doubt. I have spent years exploring many avenues and techniques; not all lead to anywhere meaningful. However, some things I learnt have helped me enormously. But I’m not confident that I have found the right answers. Other people I know have found great benefit from techniques and practices that were of no help to me. Likewise, what I find beneficial, others may not.

Meeting and falling in love with my wife was the best thing that has ever happened to me. The birth of our son brought us great joy. But as we settled into parenting, I became more and more worried about my ability to teach my son about the right approach to live life.  I didn’t want him to spend years, in later life, searching, as I had done, for answers as to how best to live life. I didn’t want his life constrained like so many people’s lives are today.

I had so many questions about the correct ‘life coaching plan’ I should use. How old should he be before I began teaching him techniques that I had learnt? What approach should I take? And were the techniques and practices I had learnt suitable for him? Did I have the ability to teach others?

It was my wife who provided the answer. Actually, we had a row. I was fretting, as usual, about our son, when my wife screamed at me to ‘give it a rest!’ When I retorted that I only wanted to help our child, she replied that it was me who wanted help and that our son needed no help at all. In fact, she said, if I continued like this, one thing was certain: our son would certainly spend many years as an adult, trying to sort out his life.

She was right of course. From that point on, I began to really observe my child and I began to realize that he had ‘no issues’ to sort out, no inhibitions, inertia, or self doubt. He’s a dynamo, who is constantly exploring the world around him. He’s always himself; he’s in touch with his real, inner-self.

I have nothing to teach him. Sure, I can teach him to cross the road, walk down stairs holding the hand-rail and how to ride a bike. But I have nothing to teach him on how to live life. He’s doing it all by himself. He’s my teacher, and a good one at that.

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Hold On To Hope, Humour And Optimism

HOPE can open your mind up to considering a wide range of possibilities. Consider how people feel when they have been given the diagnosis of something such as cancer. A friend of mine had this type of devastating news some years ago.  She died a number of years later whilst in her early forties. For the purposes of this article, I will refer to her as Anne.

I remember how I felt when I first went to visit Anne at home after she had got the news. I felt sad, angry, disappointed, and anxious. I could not imagine how I would have managed to cope with what I saw as overwhelming and ultimately out of my CONTROL, had I been in her position.


I am aware that what I saw was only snapshots of how she was coping, and that family may have been presented at times with a very different picture .Anne put me at my ease. One of the first comments she made was that she saw this as an OPPORTUNITY for her to take a look at how she was living her life and make CHANGES.


Anne took PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for finding out as much as she could about her cancer and treatment options and implications of particular choices. She knew at that stage what would be acceptable to her and knew at what time she would resist fighting things further.-A very personal decision. She had thought about how her job fitted in with her PERSONAL VALUES and how it affected her stress levels and family life and had spoken with her husband about what changes could be made here and on what timescale. Methods of cooking, nutritional value of food, cooking styles and best types of pots to use. Anne said that she had been given a chance to do things differently and there was therefore a POSITIVE aspect to her diagnosis
She continued to have a PURPOSE.  That was to live as long as possible, with as much quality as she could and to OPTIMISE the length of time she could be around for her children. She continued to have GOALS and therefore it was necessary to PLAN ahead to increase chances of ACHIEVEMENT.


HOPE motivated her to keep on living for as long as possible.Anne experienced an increased value from what she had in life and for what most of us take for granted on a daily basis. Small things became more significant to her. At the same time, she had down spells when small things caused distress which she would normally have been able to shrug off. She gained more from all of her close relationships and made the most of each day. Simple things gave her pleasure.
When she had “blown up” because of a course of steroids, it felt right for her not to see friends as she didn’t want to be seen like this. This was the correct decision at that time for her and she was strong enough to ASSERT herself and see it as her right to say “no, I don’t want to see anyone just now.”  She was true to herself.
With HOPE comes a POSITIVE attitude.


OPTIMISM makes people more likely to SUCCEED.
OPTIMISM makes you feel that you are in CONTROL.
OPTIMISM boosts the IMMUNE system.
OPTIMISTS tend to be more structured.
OPTIMISTS stick to regimes, programmes more frequently so therefore act upon advice of eg doctors.
When things go wrong, OPTIMISTS are less likely to give up.
OPTIMISTS look for the lessons to be learnt from situations.
OPTIMISTS are more RESILIENT and PERSISTANT.
OPTIMISTS see CHALLENGES as opposed to problems.
OPTIMISTS surround themselves with other people, reduce personal stress and boost their immune systems.
OPTIMISTS put themselves in a better position to get good social support, encouragement and feedback. They are also more likely to become aware at an earlier stage if things are going wrong.
OPTIMISTIC people settle for REALISTIC OPTIONS and strive for what they want to achieve.


REMEMBER, OPTIMISTS need to not just feel OPTIMISTIC, but also take RESPONSIBILITY for applying this to their lives, in terms of THOUGHTS, ATTITUDES, and ACTION!


HUMOUR can help to diffuse situations. Anne used this strategy a lot to cope with her hair loss when on chemotherapy and when a psychologist at the hospital had been foolish enough to ask her if she was concerned about her sexuality and her relationship with her husband following major surgery. Her recounting of this still makes me laugh now! (Unfortunately it is not something I could consider putting down on paper.)


HUMOUR makes you LAUGH and helps to get things into perspective.
HUMOUR can be HEALING.
HUMOUR is more likely to get you SUPPORT from others than moaning.
Try LAUGHING and being anxious at the same time, IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!
HUMOUR encourages people to want to be around you.


Try and look for the AMUSING aspects in situations.
MUSIC, LIGHT HEARTED reading, COMEDY can all help to raise your spirits.
LEARN to LET SOME THINGS GO!

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Her Cries for help are Real!!

Throughout my dealings with women from all over the world, I have met so many that are in a prison of pain and frustration. Through my website, they search desperately for a way out of this prison. They want so desperately to be heard.

Her Cries for help are genuine.She is not inventing her worries, nor is she so bored with her life that she is imagining things and creating her own miseries.

Her Cries for help are misinterpreted as nonsensical emotions. They are even viewed as insecurities. Some even become very defensive towards, "Her Cries for Help", and take it as a personal attack of mistrust.

Her Cries for Help, are not without reason. How can anyone actually believe that a person would  deliberately cause so much upheaval in a love relationship over and over again?  Who has the issues there? I have to wonder sometimes, exactly who is being deliberate?

These women are in constant conflict with uncontrollable emotions. They not only have to try to disconnect from their own person within, but they have to try to interpret them to an outsider and can only hope that person can hear, "Her Cries for Help", through her words.

These women are in need of an understanding that it is not them. This ugly reaction is a serious attempt to reach out to you for help. When something occurs time and time again, do you not start to wonder if maybe there is something more to her reaction than just what's on the surface? Surely a person that claims to love, cherish, and endure all negative and positive would know that the love of their life is in some kind of turmoil that she cannot escape. So then why do you assume everything from PMS, to mistrust? Is it not so obvious that she is not willingly hurting your relationship? Is it not obvious that she is in a hold of some kind that is controlling her? Can you not see how much, seeing you in confusion is tearing her apart piece by piece? Do you not think that she knows her reactions are causing a wall separating your ability to reach out to her?

Pretend for one moment that you are gagged and hand tied and someone else is speaking and acting for you. You can see them and you can hear what they are saying, but cannot do anything about it. You can see your loved one suffering from the intruders acts. Your guts are wrenching because you are in fact unable to stop it. This is maybe a little bit of what she feels like when her emotions entrap and imprison her and cause her to react in ways that boggle your mind.

Her love for you was in fact the trigger. Her love for you helped to lower her defenses and allowed this monster of  negative emotions to creep in. Now she battles with it and fears what she cannot control. Her mind works over-time building defense walls to keep out this intruder that is so strong-willed and controlling. Her Cries for Help continue; for that is her only way of escaping this torment that in fact both of you are tangled up in. She searches for ways to rid herself of this horrible trap that she has somehow fallen into. She will never stop trying as long as she knows you will be there and that you know in your heart that it is not her deliberately sabotaging your love relationship. Your love and understanding is her strength. It is the ultimate weapon to fight and win this battle of imprisonment.

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"Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it"

- Harry Emerson Fosdick

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"I believe that we are here for each other, not against each other. Everything comes from an understanding that you are a gift in my life - whoever you are, whatever our differences."

- John Denver

Dorothy Lafrinere
Owner/Operator
Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com
Weblog- http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy
Forum- http://womenselfesteem.proboards29.com
email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com

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Grow Through It

It's past bedtime for most working men. It's not unbearably late and I have no appointments tomorrow morning so I sit here and contemplate. Contemplate what? Well, what do I always contemplate? Life, the concept of God, the meaning of life, what's happening in society, and my next step in my own journey; there really is a lot to consider or, more aptly put, more that one can consider. I speak of being in the moment, staying present and not worrying. You are more effective in that place. Yet, there are times for reflection.

Reflecting gives me the opportunity to check-in with the events of the past week. The conversations and people I've met. Along with that there is the recollection of the impact I made or they made during our exchange. This includes what may come from the relationship. Sadly, there are those people whose impact may have been negative. During the exchange there are attempts at honest communication and I'm saddened by the lack of insight they may possess; I am thinking of a particular incident. Friendship is a fickle thing.

I'm astonished by the mistakes we make as adults: Mistakes about our own beliefs and how that impacts others; Mistakes about relationship choices just because we feel ourselves getting older and perceive that to mean we're running out of time; Mistakes of judging others before we've even had the opportunity to give a friendship or relationship a chance. One encounter with someone rarely scratches the surface and most issues people have in an exchange are their own issues. Chances are you're seeing a reflection of yourself.

I've had to learn that a long time ago now. Many beliefs and attitudes I encountered that butted heads with me were typically a fairly representative reality of my own making, not theirs. What I would see is what I expected to see based upon previous encounters with other people. Little triggers would set me off, thinking about a past event, letting it taint the current potential for a new relationship. After shutting so many people out, I finally took stock and began to challenge myself to see past those initial encounters.

Most often, when we present ourselves to a new person, our strategy is to adopt a mask of conduct that we have become comfortable and safe with when dealing with people we don't know or want to keep at a safe distance. Too often in the past we presented our most authentic self while growing up and had our trust betrayed. Or, we've been schooled by parents, teachers, friends that we should always be on our guard. I've found little reason to continue the charade.

While I will speak more freely about certain topics initially, I bring my truest nature into the relationship immediately. I speak openly about matters of the heart, matters of the spirit based upon my own experiences, and many other unusual topics of life and relationships. It troubles me to be in conversations with people who are guarded and anxious, as though they had something to hide, to protect, or suggest that I'm untrustworthy. To give trust is to be trustworthy.

In opening myself up to be vulnerable, I demonstrate trust and that I am trustworthy. This was affirmed on Saturday morning over coffee with a woman that I had only just met. We met to discuss aspects of her life that she would like improved. For two hours nothing was spoken about her situation. I discussed many aspects of my life, trials and tribulations, relationships, work, and beliefs. Towards the end of our time together, she said she trusted me completely. It was about who I was being with her that gave her this security and permission to be authentic. Others won't go there.

Another woman with whom I spent even more time, continuing to be the same man I always am, has failed to find me trustworthy. Yet I behaved the same and was my authentic self and opened up about much of my life and such as I did on Saturday. She opened up herself, usually about one or two topics, and yet she was caught up in a belief system that didn't allow her to trust herself with certain people. Based upon an initial impression, not of the person but of a stereotype she holds, I am lumped into a category of the type of person that can cause her to give up her power. That is such a revealing statement.

After communicating this to me, understanding why she has this issue, I am unable to respond in a way that will allow her to hear the truth. The filter is already in place and everything said will be heard from that perspective. Not from a place of impartial judgment, instead it is heard from a biased judgment. We did speak about that issue but rather than challenge her, I had to talk about me from that context. I don't know if she will see what I see. If she gives up her power in context with certain people, then how is her relationship with herself? Does she trust herself?

We are complex and we are wise to be careful with whom we trust. I agree with that but at the same time, can you be so overly cautious that you no longer learn anything about yourself, your power, and how you can improve your circumstances when dealing with other people? Challenges are given to us to rise up and grow. When a problem shows up, you go through it. Or, like my grandfather would have said, "You grow through it."

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Go For Gold Not Silver

Growing up, I was always told that I should not accept second best in life. We only have one shot at life, as far as we know at present, therefore you need to make the most of it. This article talks about this subject.

At the age of around twelve, I was bought a five foot snooker table for my birthday. This was something I had wanted for quite a long time and I have to say, it is probably the best present I was ever bought and I quickly became hooked on playing the game.

I would play snooker, either with friends or on my own, I did not care. My dream was to be the next Steve Davis, however I was aware that the chances of this happening were extremely slight.

Around six months later, I joined a local snooker hall with three of my friends, this is where we could play on full size tables. The sheer size of the tables came as quite a shock and at the start it was difficult to pot even what should have been the simple shots. The table was twelve foot by six foot which was more than twice the size of my table at home.

We started to play every week. We were very impressed with the club and found out that it offered free coaching for children under the age of sixteen on a Saturday morning. The coach who was called Glen and who was aged around thirty at the time asked us if we would like to attend. He was a larger than life character and a very good snooker player. We all decided to turn up on the next Saturday, it was free after all. There were snooker tournaments every month as well as coaching and they gave us free drinks and toast.

The first aim of all of the people who played on the Saturday morning was to score a twenty break as not one of us had ever had a twenty break. I was extremely determined that it would be me and listened carefully to what I was being taught and tried hard to implement it into my game.

My progress was quite rapid and to my amazement I was the first person to score that elusive twenty break. People around the snooker table I was playing on started to applaud and I was walking around with a beaming smile on my face. I felt on top of the world.

Glen who was on the other side of the room wondered over to find out what all of the noise was about. I thought he would be so proud of me and happy at my achievement, however he stated that if I could score twenty, I could score thirty. He told me to stop messing about and smiling, and to re-concentrate on the job in hand.

I had been brought straight back down to earth and was a bit gutted to say the least. This lesson was a very good one for me to learn at such an early age and I eventually went on to have breaks of over one hundred.

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