When You Cannot Attend a Memorial Service, Writing a Condolence Letter Can Help

Condolence letters are considered some of the most difficult letters to write and send because of their very sensitive nature. Even so, when someone close to you is dealing with the loss of a loved one, the grief and bereavement, writing and sending a condolence letter is probably one of the most considerate, kind, and thoughtful things you can do.

A condolence letter, if written properly, can show that you care about your friend and what they’re going through and that you are sympathetic to their loss. Although there are many different ways to remember a loved one, such as a funeral, memorial service, online memorials, and online obituaries, writing and sending condolence letters can also be your way of not only expressing sympathy but also in remembering a loved one and sharing those memories with your grieving friend or relative.

The problem is that many people have a hard time finding the right words to express themselves in writing during such a sensitive time. Before you put pen to paper or start thinking of what on you are possibly going to write, keep in mind that your letter, in addition to being carefully and well-written, should aim to achieve three main purposes. The first is to express sympathy and comfort to your friend or relative experiencing the loss of a loved one. The second is to honor and pay tribute to the deceased and the third is to let the bereaved person know that you are available should they need help. If you are able to keep these three things in mind, and put them on paper, your condolence letter will in fact be honest and heartfelt.

Try to be personal and heartfelt in your condolence letter, without being too sentimental and gushing. You can start by acknowledging what happened—the person’s death, how you found out about it, how it made you feel, etc. Do not go into detail about how or why the person died—this is completely unnecessary and unhelpful. Move on to express sympathy and comfort to your friend or relative in bereavement. If you don’t know the name of person who died (for example, it could be your best friend’s grandmother), find out. This will make your condolence letter more personal and meaningful. If you’re uncomfortable asking, find out at the funeral or memorial service, or search online - their obituary may be online or an online memorial may have been set up.

Next, include positive statements about the relationship between the deceased and your friend or loved one, if appropriate, as well as positive statements about your relationship with the deceased. Don’t forget to include something positive about them in general—his or her good qualities, characteristics, personality, hobbies, interests, good memories, etc.

In writing your condolence letter, avoid clichés like “I know how you feel” or “This is for the best” or “This is God’s will”—these statements are generally not sincere or heartfelt and don’t really serve a purpose.
Also, avoid writing general statements about your willingness to help if needed (this is unfortunately very common in condolence letters). While you likely have a desire to do something for your friend or relative who is grieving for the loss of a loved one, think of something practical that you can specifically do, and then offer your services—but only if you can follow through.

How do you send a condolence letter? First of all, it’s usually not appropriate to type and then print one out using your computer. Secondly, avoid e-mailing a condolence letter, save for special or extreme circumstances. The best way to write and send your letter is to handwrite it using stationery. Remembering a loved one and offering support through a condolence letter requires a personal touch.
When mailing your letter, make sure it’s mailed within two weeks or so of the person’s death in order to properly pay your respects in a timely manner.

Writing a condolence letter is not an easy task.  It is a difficult but necessary thing we may all have to do in our life to help aid a loved one in a time of need.  Take this as a simple guide to get you on your way as you have to take on the task.

~Ben Anton, 2007

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Using Condolence Poems in Eulogies or Condolence Letters

Death is not an easy subject for anyone to discuss or cope with. Often your emotions are so stirred up that it can be very difficult to come up with words of condolence for those that need them.  Sometime you find yourself not saying anything at all and that can be even worse than saying the wrong thing.  Poems can be the perfect way to get across what you want to say.  Memorial service poems can actually put everyone more at ease during a funeral or memorial service.

Grieving family and friends want others to remember their loved one’s life and acknowledge them. Seeing a life celebrated and hearing words of sympathy and celebration from others often helps them move through their own grief journey. The right memorial service poetry can really set the mood for the whole ceremony.  Written words can be much more effective than spoken condolences at reaching a grieving person’s heart. Simple and soothing words acknowledging a loss, accompanied by a meaningful sympathy or condolence poem can touch a heart like nothing else can.

Having a memorial poem or poetry to look back upon can really be an emotional strengthener.  A poem can be about the life of the one who has passed or just kind words.  The memorial poem could be about an event in the loved one’s life or just loving words of a close friend. Often these mementos are kept for many years, framed for the family or left at the gravesite as a reminder of the deceased.

There are numerous memorial service, condolence and sympathy poems written and easily available.  Poems ranging from heartfelt and sad to lighthearted and even funny have been written by amateur and professional poetry writers to put words to the feelings that are expressed after someone has died.  If you are asked to speak at a memorial or funeral service and are having a difficult time writing down how this loss has made you or the family feel, consider including a poem in your tribute. 

To add a poem to your eulogy or condolence letter, first you must consider who the person was and what they would have appreciated or enjoyed read. If the person who passed enjoyed the outdoors, maybe a memorial poem with colorful forest or nature-like imagery would speak to the audience, and properly pay tribute to the lost loved one.  If the deceased was a practical joker or light-hearted individual, maybe a poem that incorporates a bit of humor would remind their family of what a happy spirit that individual was.

Look at your local bookstore for poetry books that have memorial or condolence poems included or search online for posted poetry.  Poems can range in topics and styles – flowery or overly-dramatic poetry is not the only option available. Many families and friends choose to write their own poems or essays about the deceased to have read at memorial services or posted on online memorial sites. This is a great way for those that are able to express their feelings on paper to do so and share those words to help heal the grief experienced by other family members as well.

Using poetry to help with grief, to express love or pain and to memorialize a friend or family member is very powerful and will be appreciated by others who have experienced a loss.

~ Ben Anton, 2008

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The Truth About Emotional Intelligence

There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to "fit in," to keep their jobs, and using "positive self-talk" to muscle through the rough spots in their lives.

Recently, I had a friend over who has suffered enormous job stress during a time when his wife's father was dying of cancer. Of course, quitting his job didn't seem like an option during this difficult period, particularly since his wife returned to her parental home for many months to say good-bye to her dying father. That left him at home to take care of their children, pay the bills, and so on. Who can forge positively into a new job-search with all that going on?

After his father-in-law passed away his wife returned home and he lost his job - as did many of his colleagues - and his wife decided she no longer wanted to remain married. What else could go wrong? OH! Of course! His father could be diagnosed with cancer: He was.

Now he is living a complete hell, with all of this turmoil, and two sweet children looking to him for stability. Is it any wonder that people are cracking under the strain?

He is all alone and he tries to be "emotionally together" but that only causes more harm than good. We (society), in our need for order and stability, don't want people with all these problems in our lives. We don't want them working in our office. They're broken!

Well, the truth is, our (society) expectations around emotional intelligence, and together, full-functioning adults, is what is breaking them.

I spent three hours with him the other night, acknowledging his horrific circumstances, his emotional turmoil, and gave him permission to embrace it all. He's not broken, he's experiencing emotional pain and it needs to be expressed, embraced, and worked through (processed.) It's not enough that he embrace it either. Community is required to surround, love, heal, and regenerate.

So, when we see hurting people, don't look at them as broken people who haven't got their act together. Look at them as someone who needs a bit of kindness, generosity, and loving support. Watch the power those simple things can have in their life.

Caveat:This does not condone people remaining disempowered victims for the rest of their lives. Our role is to embrace and still to empower, leaving the "wounded one" to take responsibility for their recovery. Embrace, love, and challenge.

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The Problem with the Rebound

One of the most common mistakes in a relationship is the rebound. For those of you who do not know what a rebound relationship is, let’s start with that. The definition of a rebound relationship is jumping into a committed relationship very quickly after the end of a committed relationship. Many people fall into this type of trap as they are trying to move on from a break up. There are healthy ways to get past the dissolution of a relationship and a rebound relationship definitely does not belong in that list. There are many reasons not to rebound with someone right after a committed relationship. Some of them include trying to replace an ex, not enough time to heal, and you can hurt the person you start dating.

First of all, dating someone on the rebound is not a good idea because many people who date on the rebound are trying to replace their ex. Many people in this position have low self-esteem and rebound in order to have someone to be with. Loneliness can be a very motivating factor to push someone into a relationship before they are ready. Do not let this happen to you. The break up of a relationship is painful and there is not a quick fix to get over it. Respect yourself enough to just take the time you need to get over this hurtful experience. Rebounding will not help you get over the breakup or replace your ex significant other. It will only cause problems in your life.

Another reason you do not want to try to rebound is that you will not have enough time to heal. This was talked about briefly when discussing trying to replace your ex. Respecting yourself and getting to know yourself again is the only way to get over being dumped. Jumping into another serious relationship does not allow enough time for you to do either of these things. Take some much needed time to grieve over your relationship, and then you can decide what type of role you want to have in the dating game. There is no hurry, so don’t rush. Playing it safe and smart after a break up is always a good idea.

A final reason that you don’t want to get immediately back into a relationship when you get dumped or break up with someone is that there are other people’s feelings to consider. Think about if you jump into a serious relationship and then realize you aren’t ready for it. The person you are dating might be extremely hurt by this. Considering others’ feelings is very important as you do not want any more hard feelings between you and another person. If you move too quickly into a relationship and then back out, that leaves the other person possibly devastated. Moving more slowly into a relationship can help better the chances that someone else may be hurt.

Obviously rebounds are not a healthy way to get back into the dating scene. So many things can go wrong if you do this, and risking more pain when you are not over the first heartache will not help. Take time to get over your broken relationship, learn about yourself and who you are, and what you want out of a new relationship. By doing this, you may spare yourself and someone else the pain of another break up.

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Ten Ideas for Creating a Memorial After the Funeral or Life Celebration

Below you will find many memorial and remembrance ideas that you can use to keep the memory of your loved one alive. After the funeral, memorial service or life celebration many people wish to have something permanent as a reminder of the person that they loved and lost. It may help to think about what was important to the person you lost. What did they value? What made them smile? Perhaps by beginning there, the appropriate memorial will present itself. Here are 10 ideas that may help to guide you.

- You can plant a tree in their memory. You can find tree seedlings on the internet. You could also buy a tree at a local nursery.

-    Have your love one's photo placed on a stamp. This also would be ideal for the thank you notes you will be sending for the flowers, donations and the help you will be receiving. Get more information here http://photo.stamps.com/PhotoStamps/learn-more/. On the anniversary of their death or on their birthday, consider sending a card or a memorial gift to close friends and relatives.

- Donate a memorial bench, if they loved golf, their favorite golf course may welcome the donation of a memorial bench. You may also consider purchasing a plaque or a brick in their name to help fund a community project.
- Have a star in the sky named after your loved one.
- Plant a section in the garden each year with their favorite flowers, you also may want to add a stepping stone or rock with their name on it in their special section of the garden. Consider each year sharing flowers from that section of the garden with the family and friends of your loved one.
- Start a college scholarship in their name.
- Create a video or DVD from photos and video or movie clips. This video can be played at family gatherings and on the person’s birthday or anniversary of their death. You can also easily make copies to share with close friends and relatives.
- Create a book of memories for the deceased’s family. Have friends and family write on note cards and include the note cards with photos in the book. You may also want to include newspaper articles about the deceased, the obituary etc.
- Create a memorial on the web – there are several websites that allow loved ones to memorialize the deceased through video, pictures, and voice recordings.
- Keep a journal of your memories, your thoughts and what you learned from your loved one.

Dealing with a loss of a loved one is so difficult. It’s important to do what brings you peace-of-mind. Focusing on a memorial may help you through the grief process and allow you to focus on the unique and positive aspects of your loved ones life and how that life can be remembered and celebrated for years to come.

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Sympathy Flowers - Advice from Experts

Flowers have been displayed at the time of one's passing in nearly every culture throughout time, and their importance continues today.  At funerals, wakes, memorials, and cremation services, flowers and plants are a sensitive way to commemorate the life of the departed, express heartfelt sympathy to the bereaved family, and provide an important element of natural beauty in an otherwise somber environment. Family and friends often comment on the artistry, color, and fragrance of sympathy flowers, helping to aide conversation and soften the sorrow.  An outpouring of flowers or a particularly striking floral tribute may be remembered long after the funeral as one of the most uplifting symbols of support.  In the weeks that follow, flowers, gift baskets, and other expressions sent to the home are also important, as family members adjust to their grief.  If you would like to express your sympathy to someone but are unsure what types of flowers or other gestures may best fit the situation, here are a few suggestions from experts to help.

Showing You Care
The most important consideration is to show you care, for the deceased, the bereaved family, and other loved ones who will be gathered.  Flowers are one critical component, because they show tribute and honor to the life of the deceased.  When considering what type of sympathy flowers may be most appropriate, consider that life.  Bright flowers may be best to describe a fruitful life and convey the joy of fondest memories.  Pale pastels are appropriate for a soft, feminine touch, while Autumn tones convey a more masculine theme.  Pure white blossoms denote purity, grace, and peace.  Roses, especially red ones, express undying love. 

Making It Personal
If you'd like to personalize your tribute even more, your local florist can help.  You might consider incorporating a favorite flower, personal item, or picture of the family.  For someone who loved gardening, you might consider a gathering basket of garden fresh flowers with a just-picked look.  For someone of faith, you might prefer a cross, Madonna, or other icon.  Funeral flowers can be designed in all kinds of shapes and sizes, including insignias and sports items, as well as more traditional wreaths and sprays.  Of course, flowers aren't the only way to show you care.  Other gestures are important as well.  Providing dinner for the family some evening can be so helpful, especially for families including children or elderly.   A thoughtful letter, informal outing, or contribution to a favorite charity are excellent options, too.  These additional gestures compliment the thoughtfulness of your sympathy flowers, adding an extra personal touch that will be greatly appreciated.

Knowing How Much to Spend
The cost of funerals is steadily increasing.  Fortunately, there are flowers for almost every budget.  You can express yourself eloquently with something as simple as a single perfect rose, as economical as a modest mixed arrangement, or as striking as a grande standing spray of elegant roses and lilies.  For gifts to the funeral home or memorial service, fresh flower arrangements in vases and fan-shaped sympathy designs are usually best, because they provide the most impact for your money.  Sympathy flowers come in a broad range of sizes and price ranges.  The choice is up to you, but remember there may be other floral tributes displayed in close proximity.  So, you don't want to skimp on size.  For a nice table arrangement, plan on spending about $50 to $70,  with fancier styles running $75 and up.  For a larger standing piece, $100 to $150 is common.  For gifts to the home, both flowers and plant are popular, with prices typically in the $35 to $60 range.

What about "in lieu of flowers?"
At the suggestion of well-meaning friends or advisors, families sometimes include a phrase in the obituary announcement such as, "In lieu of flowers, contributions may be sent to..."  Of course, most families sincerely appreciate all personal expressions of support and may later regret having too few flowers at the funeral.  A more appropriate phrase for many might be, "In addition to flowers..." or simply, "Contributions appreciated to..."  Use your best judgement, but keep in mind that the "in lieu of"  terminology is usually intended to encourage charitable gifts rather than discourage other expressions.  Tasteful sympathy flowers are almost always appropriate in addition to charitable giving.
                               
I didn't find out until after the funeral!
Even if you didn't know about the funeral until after it was over, you can still convey your love and respect.  Family members need your thoughts, prayers, and personal expressions long after the funeral is over.  Flowers and other gestures are a sensitive and appropriate way to let them know that they are not alone. After all, one of the best ways to honor those who have passed is to support those they have left behind.

Are there other ways that I can help?
The best thing you can do is to let family members know that you care. Help with meals, provide child care, drop by with a gift or card, or simply call.  Everyone responds to loss differently, but reaching out reminds people they're not alone. You're care may help distract them from their grief allowing an easier transition into a normal routine.  In other words, just being there is the best thing you can do to help.


From the people at 1-800-Florals and the Society of American Florists. For additional information and floral tributes, visit Sympathy Flowers online.

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